You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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