is your mom at the bar?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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