i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
