"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
