I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
