Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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