So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
