My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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