And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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