I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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