her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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