even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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