I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
