Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
