2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
