he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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