I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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