Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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