if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
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