I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
