When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
