I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
