Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What drink are we having for lunch?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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