i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
