even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
