I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
