a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
