I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
