Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
