1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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