I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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