mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
