So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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