my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
