You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
