using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
