It's a beautiful day for a hangover
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
