Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
