You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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