I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
