sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
