no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
