ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
