Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
