TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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