Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
