Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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