vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
