apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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