Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
