Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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