I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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