Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
